The Story of My Life

Being an English major is tough business. A conversation that often occurs goes something like this:

Annoying Person: So, what's your major?
Me: I'm an English major with a Classics minor.
Annoying Person: Oh... what can you do with that? Like... be a teacher or something?
Me: Uh... actually, I plan on going to graduate school. I have a lot of ideas. Perhaps get a dual degree in Law and Business or maybe...

and my list goes on. And the annoying person just gets bored because they already think I am boring. From now on, I'm just going to respond with: "Actually, I am just waiting to be discovered, then I will star in the moving pictures."

Many people have straight-up just told me that my major is useless. Apparently, learning the history of our language and the way it was utilized and how it has transformed over time and shaped our culture is useless. I suppose I can't directly apply what I've learned in class to my current career in food services, but I like to think that I am learning something larger about life.

Sadly, it turns out that not many students are made of the same ilk. Everyone is now turning to college for vocational purposes rather than an opportunity to expand the mind. The American Scholar put forth these depressing statistics in their article, more depressingly entitled, The Decline of the English Department:

Here is how the numbers have changed from 1970/71 to 2003/04 (the last academic year with available figures):
English: from 7.6 percent of the majors to 3.9 percent
Foreign languages and literatures: from 2.5 percent to 1.3 percent
Philosophy and religious studies: from 0.9 percent to 0.7 percent
History: from 18.5 percent to 10.7 percent
Business: from 13.7 percent to 21.9 percent

It's important to note, that during these 30 years, more and more students are entering higher education. That is messed up! I have had so many business majors point their nose up at me as if they have some greater purpose in life--to make mad cash moneyz--and I'm some poor loser sitting below feverishly reading an outdated piece of literature.

Now, dear readers, you may ask: Well, what does this have to do with contemporary literature??? Allow me to give you a long-winded response.

As much as I like to think of myself bursting forth from the womb with Wuthering Heights in hand, I know that this is not the case because of it being physically impossible. While growing up, my mom certainly had a large influence in my reading and what I read. I do not want to discredit her, however, I think majority of the credit goes to school. I know that school, in essence, forces its students to read. And through that reading, we are encouraged to go out and read some more. I was not the huge nerd I am now. It was really in high school that I embraced reading and sought it out. I was introduced to Shakespeare and went through a phase thinking that I was the smartest 14 year old because I had read "King Lear," on my own! An author enjoyed was an author sought in bookstores. Teachers recommended other books to me. I felt cool being able to talk to my elders and reference books in conversation.

Since college, this relationship with professors has continued, albeit in a less personal fashion. When a professor refers to a book and looks hopefully at the students expecting at least one person to know the book they are talking about and I can't be that student, I am disappointed. I put that book on my list. And again, reading in class leads me to read more outside of class. Learning about the effects that books from the past have had is immensely important. Truly great books that are written today, no doubt, have been influenced by these pieces of literature.

So, to try and sum up my long point, the fact that the English major is on the decline is directly indicative of the poor book choices made by the masses. A look at any bestseller list can tell you that. And I sort of understand. Perhaps when these business majors have had a hard day on Wall Street, they want to come home and watch TV, play video games, go on the interwebs, or whatever. The act of turning a page, and allowing ones' eyes to skim past letters, is intelligent enough on its own and should be celebrated. Maybe I should not lament the words read or the crappy books published.

But the English major in me says that that is all wrong. But, I suppose I am a dying breed and contemporary literature will continue to decline in quality as it panders to those who don't see the "use" in the study of humanities.

Ah, woe is me:

Something Twilight Related that Doesn't Suck

Don't let the title of this post alarm you. I have not abandoned my sanity. I am talking about Harvard Lampoon's new book Nightlight, which is a parody of the series.

Now, I am not normally one to judge a book by its cover, but I must say that this looks quite promising:

Let me tell you a little bit about the book. The main character's name is Bella Goose (loosely based on Twilight character Bella Swan). The romantic interest is Edwart Mullen (not to be confused with Edward Cullen). Here is an excerpt from the book, which like the series it parodies, is written from Bella's point of view:

About three things I was absolutely certain, First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him—which I assumed was wildly out of his control—that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me.

Just so you all can appreciate the hilarity of this excerpt, here is the passage from Twilight, on which it is clearly based:

About three things I was certain. First, Edward Cullen was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and I don't know how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Stephenie Meyer, you have found your match.

While I am rejoicing over this book (which, will be coming out November 3rd, so mark your calendars), there are some who are hesitant. Harvard freshman, Pamela M. Rosario Perez, was quoted in the Harvard Crimson, saying

I hope the Lampoon does it in good taste, or else they will offend a lot of ‘Twilight’ fans.

Yeah, because that's what they are really worried about. Offending a bunch of people who have a sad, sad obsession with perhaps the most ridiculous series ever written. The people that get into Harvard these days...

And The Award Goes To

Listen up, kids! Serious stuff is going down. Not only do we have a Booker Prize winner for 2009, but the Nobel Laureate for Literature for the year was also just announced! Oh, you didn't hear about it? Yeah, neither did I. And I actually enjoy literature, so that's super embarrassing. I should be all over this! I mean, I eventually hear about the Nobel Laureate prize and pick up the book at Barnes and Noble, think about buying it, but inevitably make my way over to the Classics section. However, I have never heard of the Man Booker Prize and it's apparently like the Oscars of the book world. Nothing to scoff at. So, here I go again with another contemporary issue, why aren't these things being covered in the news? Why don't these awards have some absurd ceremony with Joey Fatone and Lisa Rinna annoyingly interviewing the attendees prior to the ceremony on a big red carpet? I know the answer to this question: people just don't give a rat's ass about good books that are being acknowledged.

The point here is that there are good books being published, but they are hard to find behind that giant Twilight display that no doubt plagues many bookstores. I am guilty of turning my back on contemporary literature because of my frustrations with it. But, perhaps contemporary literature is not bad at all. Perhaps I should point my anger towards the publishing industry for not only allowing sub-pars to be published, but to feverishly push for them. Publishers have strayed from their initial use, which I have always thought to be putting out good works for the world to see and appreciate. Now it seems the key is to make money and pander to a lower IQ, rather than maybe increase a person's intelligence and thinking capability.

I felt I needed to acknowledge the fact that there are great books being published today and these books are being recognized within the larger literary community, but it seems that such a community has become too high brow for the rest of us to even recognize or know about. So, in the end: are these books truly being recognized for their literary achievements?

Not Totally Surprised

A report has come out stating what we probably already know: British people read more than Americans.

Not only do they read more, but they basically read real books as as oppose to Americans who:

tend to enjoy romance and mystery titles most

Also known as: CRAP. This does not bode well for the American image. I really don't want Americans to be stupid. And I'm not saying that there aren't stupid British people even though their accent makes us think otherwise. However, I think we can all agree that America, on the whole, is the weird, kind of vacuous cousin of whom Britain is ashamed to admit relation.

Another issue addressed in the report, Americans don't go to bookstores. We prefer to sit on our couch, in our underwear, probably belching loudly whilst ordering some Jodi Picoult novels online. [Because who needs real society when the internet is just as good?]:

in America the internet is the top way to buy books.

And I am guilty of buying books online, but in my defense it isn't because I don't want to go to a bookstore, rather, the bookstores just don't carry the books I'm looking for, thus forcing me to order online. [I recently went on a feverish search for Cicero's On Obligations, calling every bookstore in a 10 mile radius... all had no idea what the hell I was talking about]. Smaller bookstores are going out of business. I myself have lost a great small bookstore. These are probably the places that would have carried some Cicero, but alas, this is the world we are living in now.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think reading a good book (that is not a "Mystery" not a "Romance" or The Bible) may actually increase our overall thinking capacity. And maybe if the country had read more, we could have avoided this 8 year catastrophe:

The Time Has Come

...for me to do a full blown Twilight post.

Where to begin? I guess I should address the fact that I have read the whole series. And I did so very quickly. Whenever I try to discuss how terrible the series is, my sister points out that I read them on my own accord. And she's right. I did read the whole fricken' series. And, this is hard to say, I was thoroughly entertained. Being entertained by trash isn't bad, as long as you know it's trash, and maybe you can even inscribe yourself in an academic discourse that surrounds said trash. So, my issue stems from the fact that it is not recognized as purely embarrassing entertainment by most of its readers.

It is disgustingly popular. Fans have no shame! They buy shirts from Hot Topic declaring their love for the series. [I should mention that Hot Topic actually increased revenue in the fourth quarter, thanks to their Twilight products]. Fans swarm the internet replaying the supposed nuances of Bella's relationships (as if the book even has nuances). I've mentioned Twilight Lexicon before. If you really want to feel depressed about the state of the world, check out their discussion forum. There's also a notorious fan known as Nutty Madam who provides enough second-hand embarrassment in her videos to last a lifetime. Or you can check out this fan site. How about this one? There's even a site dedicated to ranking Twilight blogs! MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM:



Let's put the literary merit of the series aside, I don't think that any piece of literature should inspire such unhealthy obsession. But, there is something that has to be addressed here. Whether I want to admit it or not, Stephenie Meyer tapped into something. And that is quite frightening. What is even more disturbing is the fact that the fans are comprised almost entirely of females.

Allow me to just lay out the very basic facts. Edward Cullen stalks her. He goes into her bedroom at night and watches her sleep. Bella is aware of this as they start "dating," but isn't too freaked out by it. Edward is rather aggressive in his "protecting" of Bella. For example, he has his sister kidnap her and keep watch over her for a weekend because Edward is out of town. Edward takes the engine out of her car, making sure that Bella can't visit her werewolf friend Jacob. After their honeymoon night, Bella wakes up covered in bruises. I guess Edward is pretty rough in his love-making. These are just the big, in-your-face examples. Going below the surface is far more troubling. It's hardly an ideal relationship.

Now, Bella herself is not a strong female character or role model for young women. She essentially gives up her entire life and well-being for this vampire dude. When Edward breaks up with her, Bella basically cannot live. In fact, we don't even get to see what Bella is doing without a man in her life because Stephenie Meyer dramatically passes through those months. We can only assume that she was tortured and depressed. Because really, what else would she be up to when her boyfriend of a few months has broken up with her? Bella only feels slightly better when she hangs out with Jacob. She really is nobody without a male counterpart. She marries after high school graduation, which is just weird. I'm sorry, but the thought of getting married fresh out of high school is laughable. It's not like this is the Middle Ages where our life expectancy was 40. Geez. She then has a crazy ass vampire spawn baby, at the age of 18. Apparently, Edward being a vampire does not hinder his baby-making abilities.

These are just the surface facts of the book. I don't even have the energy to delve into the book's psyche and how messed up it really is. So, the problem is not that the books are being read, or even that they are making a lot of money. The problem is how they are being received. I managed to walk away from the books and look back on them critically. But, many readers don't do that. They allow themselves to be taken over by the craze. The sexism that runs rampant throughout the novel is starting to permeate into female mind. And that is what's most disturbing of all.

Bestseller Lists Make Me Want to Cry

So, I was looking through the many many bestseller lists on the NYTimes website. [Can we just have one bestseller list?] It always makes me melancholy to see the kind of crap people are reading. Or more importantly, the kind of crap people are continually reading, week after goddamn week.
Case in point:
These are the Paperback Non-Fiction Bestsellers. All I can say is I feel sorry for the authors of Three Cups of Tea for being the meat of that crap sandwich they are in. First of all, Glenn Beck is an ass. I don't care what your political backgrounds are, that guy is just a jackass. It's depressing that people believe that this guy has any political gravitas and buy into the hatred that he spews. Although, I am just saying that based on what I've heard him say, and I haven't actually read any of his books. Maybe he is actually a logical, decent being in writing...

Now, let's move on to the colossal douchebag that is Tucker Max. I mean, do we even need to discuss it when he has a name like that? Why doesn't he just change it to Turdy McDouche? I actually have read a bit of that book. And it's essentially a glorified 30 year old frat guy talking about being an alcoholic misogynist and LOVING IT! Yay for sexism!

I know nothing about Three Cups of Tea, but just the short description makes it seem sort of bestseller worthy. However, it's hard for me to praise one possibly good book being on the bestseller list when its surrounded by stuff that sucks. It's like one piece of chocolate in a pile of crap... you can't really tell it apart and the overall smell is pretty horrendous.

For shame, book buyers. FOR SHAME.

My Eyes Love Nothing More Than The Glare From A Screen

Kindles, ebookmachines, and Google books are all the rage now. But will this fad last? And is it "book kosher"?

This topic has made its rounds on the book blogs. So, that means it's a big deal, people.

And... I'm not sure how I feel about this whole futuristic machine thingy. Frankly, it makes me think of robots... and I don't like robots. [Has Terminator taught us nothing?]

But, there are some things that we need to consider. On one hand, I hate lugging my books around campus (damn you Norton Anthology!), so Kindle looks like a hottie in a mini-black dress in comparison. I also don't have money, so Google Books looks free, therefore awesome in comparison.

However, I can't forget that each book has its own feel with its own special pages. There is nothing more satisfying than turning a page and seeing your physical progress. Or putting the book down after reading it. It feels like such an accomplishment! [Yay literacy!]

I think my favorites Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell said it best: Ain't nothin' like the real thing.
And since they sing that phrase with such conviction and great harmony, I think I will stick with the real thing: